me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
