i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
