my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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