Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
