it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
