Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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