At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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