even my farts smell like vagina
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
