So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Everyone says I win the strip club
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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