when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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