I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
