I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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