I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
