Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
