guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
