Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
