I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You need Xanax blowdarts
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
