Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
