Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
