Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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