i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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