i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sext me about skeletons
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
