Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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