I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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