My nipple is on Facebook.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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