rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
