In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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