the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
