my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
