Your face is a jimmy john
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
