My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
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I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho