just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today