So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
