she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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