trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
