ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
