If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
