I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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