I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
