I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
