I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
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I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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