i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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