im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
