he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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