advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
