His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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