Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
