Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
