tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
