his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
PANTIES FOUND
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
