1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
