He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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