I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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