someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
