Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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