He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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