You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
